Greg & Team's Dog Humor

DOG RULES

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

Life Lessons Learned from a Dog

• If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
• Don't go out without ID.
• Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
• Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
• Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
• Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective.
• When you do something wrong, always take responsibility
  (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
• If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

• 10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
• 9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
• 8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
• 7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
• 6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
• 5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
• 4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
• 3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
• 2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
   ...And the number one reason why a dog is better than a woman:
• 1. A dog does not shop.

Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Than Men

• Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
• Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
• Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
• Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
• You can house train a dog.
• Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
• Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
• Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
• Dogs don't care whether or not you shave your legs.
• Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.

Top Ten Dog Thoughts

• 10) "I could've sworn I heard the can opener."
• 9) "Why doesn't the government do something about mange?"
• 8) "Is there something I'm not getting about Norm Crosby?"
• 7) "I wonder if Toto was gay?"
• 6) "Mmmm.....that filthy standing water sure hits the spot!"
• 5) "Hey--no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener."
• 4) "I still miss Lorne Greene."
• 3) "Would we dogs have built a vast and complex civilization of our own if we weren't distracted by our ability to lick ourselves?"
• 2) "Please, oh, please, oh, please let that be the can opener."
• 1) "If there's a God, how can he allow neutering?"

The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers

• 20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
• 19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
• 18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
• 17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
• 16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
• 15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
• 14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing
        www.pethouse.com instead of working.
• 13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
• 12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
• 11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
  10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable
        Thumb.
• 9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
• 8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
• 7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
• 6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
• 5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
• 4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
• 3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
• 2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
• 1. TrO{gO DsA[R,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. *
      ( * 1 Too Darn Hard To Type With Paws. )